On Vanderpump Rules Season 5 Episode 12, Scheana Marie Shay opened up to her friends about the trouble with her marriage to Mike.
Meanwhile, Tom Sandoval celebrated his 33rd birthday with a fundraiser, and Kristen Doute hosted an epic roast in honor of Jax Taylor.
That was guaranteed to upset Brittany Cartwright, and did.
If you watch Vanderpump Rules online, you know Jax has done a lot of bad things. We’re talking 37 years of borderline human garbage.
So why not put on an event to rehash them all?
“It’s actually brave of Kristen to want to host this roast where everyone’s going to talk about all the horrible things Jax has done,” Ariana said.
“Half [of them] have been with Kristen!”
His girlfriend Brittany Cartright’s mother happened to be in town, so naturally, she was invited to come along … to Jax’s obvious chagrin.
“We all have a little past,” Jax acknowledged, stating the obvious: “Mine is just a lot worse than some people’s. I mean, I didn’t kill anybody!”
Brittany was unsure how her wholesome, Kentucky-raised Christian mom would react to the inevitable, graphic sex details and jokes.
We soon got to find out.
“Well, if you pleased your girl she wouldn’t have had to jump in bed with Kristen,” Tom roasted Jax, regarding her alleged lesbian fling.
Oddly, Brittany’s mom was more offended about a joke that suggested Jax may have kissed a man than the idea of Kristen and Brittany.
“Kissing a guy?!” Brittany’s mom recoiled after the Jax Taylor gay rumors. “That was the most offensive to me, the homosexual thing.”
Fortunately, the LVP came to the rescue, with the SUR shot-caller hurling a series of Jax insults via video message. And it was epic.
“I hope in the future you spend more time behind my bar than you do behind bars,” Lisa burned her employee. “Happy birthday, Jax.”
For Tom Sandoval’s birthday, “I’m not just having a rager, I’m doing a fund-rager” for Project Elev8, to provide education for kids in Haiti.
A noble cause, if ever there were one.
Of course, that doesn’t mean it would be drama free, as Tom warned Ariana in advance that he invited Stassi Schroeder to the fund-rager.
Ariana said she could let bygones be bygones, at least for charity and for one night, but Scheana Shay could make no such guaranatees.
Calling out James Kennedy about his cheating ways in front of his girlfriend, Raquel Leviss, she went looking to stir the pot and succeeded.
James simply blamed the rumor that he cheated on Raquel with an employee on “DJ groupies” lying for attention. Anyone buying that?
Raquel told Scheana that she knew about the rumors, thank you very much, and made it very clear that she believed James. So step off.
“Kudos to James,” Scheana said later, nonplussed. “He found the one beautiful, dumb as f–k girl who will believe all of his lies.”
Scheana’s relationships were all spiraling out of control this week.
Not just with her friends, either. She confessed that her marriage to Mike Shay was beginning to take a disturbing turn, worrying her.
“I’ve been feeling really lonely lately because everything with Shay and I was so good, but he’s not around as much,” she told Ariana.
Then, to Katie’s surprise, she whined about being a bridesmaid.
“I just feel it’s very tacky,” Katie told the cameras after Scheana complained about the cost of the dress, the bridal shower and the wedding.
“Scheana, were you raised by wolves?” Stassi said at one point.
A fair question, the way things are going for the star of late.
Meanwhile, which just a few weeks to go until their wedding day, Katie Maloney and Tom Schwartz got into another full-blown fight.
How bad? Schwartz called Katie a “bitch” at a paint store.
Katie stormed out of the store, got in her car and peaced.
“You can just call an Uber,” Katie yelled out the window as she peeled out, leaving him in the dust. “If I’m such a bitch, then I’ll be a bitch.”
Rough. But in typical fashion, they were fine hours later.
Tom brushed this off as just another “casual Thursday,” but Lisa countered that “You’re getting married in a few weeks, for God’s sake!”
Bottom line? They need to chill, therefore Katie sought a medical marijuana card and couldn’t believe the number of edible THC offerings.
Good times in LA.